This week has been so, so hard for me. Without delving into details too much, I want to share this part of my life on my blog. And that part of my life is how depression affects me.
It is so embarrassing to admit that I suffer from depression. I have always been the type of person who will hide her flaws, and try to appear like everything is picture perfect.
When my father died people told me to be “strong.”
Being “strong” has never worked out for me. I hold too many things inside, and the negativity eats away at me. Depression chips away at my heart, my character, and my personality.
When my dad died, psychologists told me I would start feeling better in a few months. I felt like my feelings were being dismissed. Like what I was feeling wasn’t severe enough to warrant some compassion.
I don’t have a very high opinion of myself. I’ve always thought of myself as sensitive because it seems like I can’t handle any stress that comes my way.
I need to stop trying to be “strong.” What a stupid term. Being “strong” isn’t helping me at all. In fact it’s a heavy burden on me.
My family and my friends read my blog. Perhaps even future employers or clients of mine will see this blog post. Hopefully their opinion of me doesn’t change, and hopefully you as a reader, will not think of me any less. Hopefully you are compassionate. But if you aren’t, that’s okay. It takes all kind of people to make the world go round.
If you think blogging about depression is too personal, I agree with you. But I feel like my life is at stake. It is hard to keep food down, and white rice is the only thing I want to eat now. It’s hard to sleep, and my body is constantly hurting. My health is suffering.
I am not writing this and publishing this for the whole world to see because I want attention. I’m doing this because I need to be held accountable for my actions. Believe me, I am tired of feeling this way. I have dealt with these issues for my entire life. The only difference now is that I have responsibilities to attend to, and I need pressure to get better. My goal is to transform myself into who I actually want to be: confident, fun, positive.
I can’t be the person my family needs me to be right now. I’m hoping to change that with a challenge I’ve thought about doing on my blog for a while now.
Starting next week I will be posting weekly accountability posts. I want to challenge myself to do one thing a week that takes me farther away from this cloud of negativity that I’m currently trapped in. I’ll keep doing it for as long as I need to. I encourage you to do this challenge with me! If you do end up doing tweet me about it at @dianametdannyco
I have hope that things will work out. I want real change in my life, and I’m willing to put the effort in for a great outcome. Until next time!